Ministry of Convenient Expiation · Dept. of Public Ridicule

The Meme Archive

Every meme below is a real thing somebody said with their whole chest right after singing about grace. Screenshot freely. The goat has waived its rights.

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Plate I — Certified Livestock Memes

A small goat standing in a dusty pen

Pastor said forgive him

I bought a goat instead

Exhibit 1 · Filed under satire
A goat staring directly at the camera

Me, three services a week

Still not speaking to my sister

Exhibit 2 · Filed under satire
A large horned goat in profile

Nobody:

This goat: carrying 14 years of your resentment

Exhibit 3 · Filed under satire
A goat with an unsettling expression

He apologized twice

I'm waiting on the third for legal reasons

Exhibit 4 · Filed under satire
A young goat looking away

"Forgive 70 x 7"

Best I can do is a goat and a subtweet

Exhibit 5 · Filed under satire
A heavy-set goat in the desert

Grudge weight: 41 lbs

Goat weight: also 41 lbs. Coincidence?

Exhibit 6 · Filed under satire

Plate II — Preference Declarations (Form 2-D)

NoForgiving your brother-in-law
YesDriving a goat into the wilderness at 5:45 AM
Declaration 1 · Filed under satire
No"I was wrong, I'm sorry"
Yes"I'll be praying for you" (said like a threat)
Declaration 2 · Filed under satire
NoReconciliation
YesA prayer-request-shaped gossip delivery system
Declaration 3 · Filed under satire
NoLoving your enemies
YesBlocking your enemies and calling it boundaries
Declaration 4 · Filed under satire
  1. Lv.1Small brain: apologize
  2. Lv.2Glowing brain: apologize with a Bible verse attached so it counts double
  3. Lv.3Cosmic brain: transfer the entire incident onto livestock and let the desert handle it
  4. Lv.4Universe brain: just actually forgive them, which is free, which is the joke
Plate III — Cognitive Escalation Chart · Filed under satire

Expiation Receipt

  • 1 × SCAPEGOAT (STARTER)$29.00
  • 1 × ROPE, CEREMONIAL$14.00
  • 1 × DESERT PERMIT$62.00
  • 1 × RIGHTEOUS ANGER, RETAINED$0.00
  • SERVICE FEE (SELF-JUSTIFICATION)$81.00
  • SUBTOTAL$186.00
  • FORGIVENESS (ACTUAL)$0.00

Grudge status: still active · No refunds

Plate IV — Itemized Atonement Receipt · Filed under satire

Plate V — Marquee Board Submissions

THIS SUNDAY: FORGIVENESS SEMINAR (GOATS PROVIDED)

Sign 1 · Filed under satire

GOD IS LOVE. THE PARKING LOT IS NOT.

Sign 2 · Filed under satire

COME AS YOU ARE. LEAVE AS SOMEONE'S PRAYER REQUEST.

Sign 3 · Filed under satire

OUR GOAT HAS MORE PATIENCE THAN OUR ELDER BOARD

Sign 4 · Filed under satire

FREE COFFEE · FREE DONUTS · FORGIVENESS $499

Sign 5 · Filed under satire

This week's message

Just forgive them

(attendance down 40%)

Sign 6 · Filed under satire

Plate VI — Intercepted Testimony

G

@sundaymorningdad

been holding a grudge since 2011 but I tithe on the gross so we're square

12.4K reposts · 0 apologies

Screenshot, unverified · Filed under satire
G

@blessed_and_petty

unpopular opinion: Jesus never said anything about my coworker Deborah

12.4K reposts · 0 apologies

Screenshot, unverified · Filed under satire
G

@literal_scapegoat

day 4,182,996 of being sent into the wilderness for something a man named Greg did at a potluck

12.4K reposts · 0 apologies

Screenshot, unverified · Filed under satire
G

@smallgroupleader

"turn the other cheek" is generally understood by scholars to mean escalate

12.4K reposts · 0 apologies

Screenshot, unverified · Filed under satire
G

@deacon_of_vibes

I forgave him in my heart. He does not need to know this. Nothing will change.

12.4K reposts · 0 apologies

Screenshot, unverified · Filed under satire

Plate VII — Labeled Diagram of a Typical Grievance

Him

a guy who said one thing in 2019

Me

an entire theological infrastructure built to avoid saying sorry

The goat

collateral

Not pictured: the two minutes of conversation that would have ended this.

Annotated · Filed under satire

The punchline

Every meme here is free. So is forgiveness.

The goat costs money. Grudges cost more. Saying "I forgive you" out loud, to a person, costs exactly nothing — which is why nobody buys it.

$matthewsmith9999

The one true path to forgiveness