Official Registry No. 99-821-B · Dept. of Blame Logistics

The Ministry of Convenient Expiation

Certified
Atonement

Why endure the psychological weight of actual repentance when ancient rituals offer a perfectly valid accounting loophole? We facilitate the transfer of moral liability to livestock so you don't have to change your personality.

Serving self-identified Christians who have read the whole Bible except the four books with the quotes in them.

Buy Forgiveness

View the total schematic → the closed vs. open eternal system, fully diagrammed.

Enter the meme archive → an entire wall of certified goat memes.

SIN VOLUME: HIGHGOAT SUPPLY: STRAINEDREPENTANCE: STILL OPTIONALFORGIVENESS: SUSPICIOUSLY FREEREMITTANCE: $matthewsmith9999HUMILITY: BACKORDERED SINCE AD 33
SIN VOLUME: HIGHGOAT SUPPLY: STRAINEDREPENTANCE: STILL OPTIONALFORGIVENESS: SUSPICIOUSLY FREEREMITTANCE: $matthewsmith9999HUMILITY: BACKORDERED SINCE AD 33

Sins transferred to livestock this fiscal year

4,182,996

Sins actually forgiven this fiscal year: 0. Our engineers are looking into it.

The Full Process: Ritual vs. Reality

A complete side-by-side procedural audit, published under the Freedom of Sanctimony Act.

Method A · Leviticus 16, Unpatched Since 1400 BC

The Scapegoat Rite (10 steps)

  1. 01

    Identify the Problem

    Someone wronged you, or worse, you wronged someone and it's becoming inconvenient to think about.

  2. 02

    Rule Out Forgiveness Immediately

    Forgiveness requires humility, and humility does not photograph well in the church lobby.

  3. 03

    Nominate a Vessel

    Traditionally a goat. Acceptable modern substitutes: your ex-wife, immigrants, your youth pastor, the guy at work who microwaves fish, an entire generation, one specific cashier.

  4. 04

    Lay Hands Upon the Vessel

    Metaphorically, via group chat. Recite your grievances at length. Screenshots count as liturgy.

  5. 05

    Recite the Sacred Formula

    "I'm not judging, I'm just saying." Repeat three times. A fourth repetition unlocks the phrase "I'll pray for them."

  6. 06

    Drive the Vessel Into the Wilderness

    Unfollow. Uninvite. Bring it up at Thanksgiving. Mention it in the prayer request as a 'situation.'

  7. 07

    Declare Yourself Clean

    The sin is now legally the goat's problem. Your record is spotless. Your personality is unchanged.

  8. 08

    Post About Grace

    Cream background. Serif font. A verse about mercy, cropped from the part about forgiving people.

  9. 09

    Repeat Weekly

    Sundays at 10:45am, and any time someone questions you at a family gathering.

  10. 10

    Audit the Goat

    If the goat wanders back looking forgiven, it must be replaced. We offer trade-ins.

Total time investment: a lifetime. Total sins removed: none. Extremely well documented, though.

Method B · The Christ Model, Released AD 33

Actual Forgiveness (1 step)

  1. 01

    Forgive Them

    That's it. That's the process. There is no step 02. We checked repeatedly and were extremely disappointed.

Supporting documentation we have chosen to ignore

Matthew 6:14-15

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive, neither will you be forgiven."

Filed under: terms we would prefer not to accept.

Matthew 18:21-22

"Lord, how often shall I forgive? Seven times? — Not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Peter also tried to negotiate a cap. It did not work.

Luke 6:37

"Judge not, and you will not be judged."

Widely regarded internally as a formatting error.

Matthew 7:3

"Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own?"

Our legal team has advised us to stop reading here.

Verdict: 94% of our subscribers found Method A significantly more compatible with their current social media habits and political affiliations. Method B was rejected as "aggressive."

Comparative Efficiency Report

MetricGoatJesus
Steps required101
Upfront cost$29 – $499$0
Ego damageNoneTotal
Enemies retainedAll of them0
Actually worksNoYes
Screenshots producedDozensNone
Requires you to changeAbsolutely notYes, immediately
Adopted by our members100%Under review since AD 33

Current Livestock Inventory

Select a vessel appropriate for your specific transgressions.

The Starter Scapegoat

Asset #114: Entry-Level Vessel

The Starter Scapegoat$29.00

Perfect for first-time blame-shifters. Rated for petty grudges, parking-lot rage, and lying about how much you tithed.

Absorbency: 1.2 sins/lb · Not rated for anything you did on purpose.

The Sunday Smiler

Asset #882: The 'Hypocrite' Specimen

The Sunday Smiler$129.00

Ideal for bearing the weight of judgmental attitudes toward neighbors while maintaining a public-facing piety. High sin-absorbency rating.

Absorbency: 8.4 sins/lb · Will make direct eye contact during the offering.

The Corporate Raider

Asset #901: Heavy Duty Vessel

The Corporate Raider$499.00

Equipped with extra-long horns for redirecting major white-collar guilt, decade-long feuds, and things you said in a deposition.

Absorbency: 41.0 sins/lb · Includes a certificate of non-accountability. Frame not included.

Out of stock: "The Neighbor," "The In-Law," and "That One Barista." Demand for human vessels continues to outpace supply.

Digital Altar & Atonement Terminal

Transactions are processed via secure ecclesiastical channels. No actual repentance required, permitted, or encouraged.

Beneficiary Registry

$matthewsmith9999

Expiation Amount (USD)

$50.00

Payment Memo (required)

"for things I will absolutely do again"
Proceed to Pardon
Terminal Online: Ready for Sin Processing

$matthewsmith9999 is the designated way to true forgiveness in the same way a goat is: it isn't. Forgiveness costs nothing and is available immediately, which is exactly why nobody wants it.

Ledger of Relieved Parties

Verified statements, notarized by a man in the parking lot.

"I used to worry that my lack of charity would have eternal consequences. Now I pay $50 a month and keep the goat on my lock screen. So much easier than listening to my conscience."

— Greg, Self-Described Good Person

"Finally, a theology that respects my busy schedule. Jesus said 'follow me,' but this goat said 'I'll handle it.' I know which one I prefer."

— Sarah, Competitive Liturgist

"I forgave my brother once, by accident, and the feeling was so uncomfortable that I purchased two goats to correct it. Balance restored."

— Dale, Deacon of Vibes

"My small group tried the Jesus method for one week. Three marriages improved and our prayer chain collapsed for lack of material. Never again."

— Brenda, Group Coordinator

"I asked the pastor whether the goat was scripturally sound and he said the sermon series was already printed."

— Anonymous, Row Four

Frequently Deflected Questions

Is this scripturally valid?
Absolutely not. Leviticus 16 was a temporary arrangement that got dramatically resolved around AD 33. We simply choose not to acknowledge the update.
What if I just forgave people instead?
Then you'd have no goats, no enemies, no grievance folder, and no content. Consider whether your identity can survive that.
Can I designate a person instead of a goat?
Most of our members already have. The goats have filed a complaint about being replaced by human beings.
Does the payment actually forgive anything?
No. Nothing forgives anything except you deciding to forgive somebody. That part remains stubbornly unmonetizable, which is the entire joke.
Then why is $matthewsmith9999 on the page?
Because it's funnier than a goat, and unlike a goat, it will not follow you into the wilderness.

You can close this tab, text the person you've been talking about for eleven years, and be done with it in ninety seconds. No goat. No fee. No registry number.

The Ministry does not endorse this option and finds it deeply destabilizing.